I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
