hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Randomize
