Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
