My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
