White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
