remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
