Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
