So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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