quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
