If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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