I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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