i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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