if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
