thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
