we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
