I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
