$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
