He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
