YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
