i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
