So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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