gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
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I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You are the jesus of drinking
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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