She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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