I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
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He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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