I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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