and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
