put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
