i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
