I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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