So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
