Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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