i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize