Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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