Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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