Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
As shirtless as possible
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
