All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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