My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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