that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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