everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
