He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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