im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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