i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
