I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
