She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
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My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
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It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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