wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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