.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
