I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
