i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
