First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
