You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
