shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
