You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
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will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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