What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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