Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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