I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I touched a dick in church today
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
