How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
